Eggshell

Man it has been bad lately. And I mean for a while, now. Not just like a few weeks. I hate when it gets like this. These are the worst times. I get so depressed and find myself having to consciously fight it when I am in public. And that makes me so tired. I am going nuts at work. I get a headache from fighting it sometimes. I am just so depressed. All I want is to be normal. And then I can have a normal relationship and a regular job and have kids. But no. I have to lie to everyone because either I am scared of what they would think of the truth or I just don't want to be accepted as the freak they don't know I truly am. If I wasn't so fucking terrified of death or maybe if I believed in god I would have killed myself years ago. I can't take it anymore. I don't know what to do. I will never be normal. Never. Not ever. There is no end to this syndrome except for death. And I am so scared of death. So, therefore I am trapped. And I am so scared of letting everyone see who I really am. I thought I had really combated my fears well over these last few years. But it is all bullshit. I convince myself I am not scared of everything I used to be. The only way I do that is by telling myself: it's not death. That is the only thing to truly be scared of. Yet, it's all a lie. I have been lying to myself. I am terrified of myself. I am so scared of letting the real me come to the surface for all to see. I am fucking nuts! Tourette's has just made me more and more insane. I think I do a hell of a job fighting it but all that energy has been wasted. I am so talented and so smart and all I have to show for it is this inner battle I have been fighting for years that no one really knows about. People always tell me I could do so much if I just gave a shit. They have no idea that the real reason I don't apply my talents to this world is because I am so fucking scared of letting the world see that I am a Tourettic freak. I am so scared of myself. And I am getting sick of myself. I am the only one who ever talks to me about this TS nightmare. And I am so lonely and so scared all the time. And I can't even let the people who love me most in this world get near me because I am so afraid to let them see me as I am when I am alone at night, staring at the ceiling. So, what keeps me going is that I have this incredible amount of strength. Maybe it derives from fear; my fear of death or exposure and that's what keeps me fighting and what has made me so strong. I don't know. But what I do know is that I am strong or at least appear to be. I am so often complimented for my strength and will power. People have no fucking clue where it really comes from and how much pain I go through just to maintain it. I am scared. I am alone. I am truly weak underneath it all.