"I'm so tired of being tired."

It occurred to me today that most people in this modern world want to live a normal life. They want to have children and money and be successful. I play that game sometimes, too. But, to be honest, most of the time I am just biding my time waiting for it to end. I want this headache to go away. My head, literally hurts form ticcing. The tics have been so aggressive lately that I feel like I am being attacked. It's a war all the time. I never do just let it go. I never just let the tics have their way for even a small amount of time. I am always conscious of it and always on some level fighting them off. Even when I am by myself. I don't even want to see how grotesque I can be. And this fighting is work. A lot of work. I don't even know what it would be like to leave myself in the hands of the tics. But, I am so conscious of them. How can I not be?
I have this terrible memory from when I was a kid. My father was at the dinner table yelling at me. "You don't even know you're doing it!" I know he was frustrated and didn't mean to yell at me. He wasn't blaming me. It was as if he wanted me to admit that I had no control; that I was possessed. He wanted to hear: "Yes, you're right I have no idea I am doing it. I am blissfully sitting here, eating my chicken completely unaware of the show I am performing for all of you." Instead I said nothing. I let him believe what he wanted. The very idea is laughable. I mean, the fact that he thought I was not aware of the grotesque tics that were materializing all over my face is absurd. The worst part about TS is not only are we aware that we are doing these things, we actually make the conscious decision to do them. It's not a nervous spasm. My eyebrows don't shoot up on their own in a result of bad wiring. Some demon in my head tells me I HAVE TO do it and I then do it. If I was unaware I would never go through that process. We could just chalk it up to an uncontrollable physical defect. But no, dad. It is mental. I can "not do it" if I need to. I can literally hold it off until my brain comes close to self destruction. This proves I am in control. Ha. What a laugh. I am in control of nothing. I can hold off, yes. But there comes a point where I have to answer to the demon. And I bow. I kiss its hairy demon feet and I give in to the urge to tic. And the urge is ten times worse. That is my punishment for holding them off. Who did I think I was denying the tics their freedom? I have some nerve. And I will pay. And I do. I do.
So, yeah. Some days I just can't wait for this to be over. Not every day, mind you. But some...

"This colorful attraction's got places to go."

Sometimes I feel like a freak.. Right now I am a freak. My girlfriend does not know I have Tourettes. We have a long distance relationship so I can keep it a secret fairly easily. She hears the sounds and sometimes asks me why I make them. I avoid the question (not hard to do on the phone). She has no idea it is Tourettes. She just thinks I am a little strange, in an intriguing way. And that is true. I am. But she has no idea what a freak I truly am or what lies beyond or beneath or wherever. When we are together I can control myself or disguise the symptoms. I am a damn pro at it by now. Seriously, I should be given an award for the struggle I go through just trying to hide the freak in me. It takes so much energy and for what? Just to avoid being viewed as the freak I am? People don't realize what I am going through for their benefit. I am sparing them the sight of this uncomfortable show. And it ain't easy.
"Most people go through life dreading they'll have a traumatic experience. Freaks were born with their trauma. They've already passed their test in life. They're aristocrats." Diane Arbus said that. You hear that? I am a fucking aristocrat. Then why do I live in a shitty little apartment and have a shitty job?
The thing is, she loves me. She really does. And she has no idea how fucked up I really am. I am 30 yrs old and have been living this crazy double life. It's a long time. Part of me wants her to see who I really am. I know she would be ok with it. At least in principle. She is a good person and does love me. But over the long haul it would be too much for her. She can do a lot better than a freak who is terrified of revealing himself to the world. She doesn't need to deal w/ all of my bullshit and baggage. And the other part of me thinks it would be a huge mistake. Once I put it out there, I can never get it back. I would no longer be the man she worships. I would be the freak she loves and eventually falls out of love with. I have only uttered the words: "I have Tourettes Syndrome." to two people in my life. And both of those utterances plague me with regret. Maybe I can take it to my grave. Maybe I should. Maybe I am a coward. And maybe life is easier in hiding...