"And say to those who gawk and stare, I'll see you all in hell"

I see Touretters everywhere. I see them on the subway. I see them on the streets. I see them on buses. I see them in the gym. I see them at work. I see them all over the place. And I recognize that they have TS. But do they recognize me? Are they writing a blog about spotting me right now? How many of us are there out there? Well, that doesn't matter. The point is I see them. And I hate it. All it does is trigger my Tourettes. I have to imitate their tics. And if they see me doing it, they probably think I am making fun of them. I just don't want to see it. It is the worst part of TS. The very people I can relate to, I can't stand to be around. Their TS gets under my skin in a way I cannot put into words. I get angry. I get angry with them. And it's no more their fault than mine for having Tourettes. My neck hurts.

Dreaming free

I don't tic when I sleep. At least, I don't think I do. I can't see why I would. I don't tic in my dreams, either. Well, sometimes I do. If the dream is about tourettes in some way then I will be ticcing up a storm. But for the most part I am tic free when I dream. Maybe that is why I had and have such a fascination with dreaming all my life. Or maybe not. What the hell do I know? All I do know is I love when I recall my dreams and realize they are tic free. There are no compulsions. There are no urges to twitch and even things out. It is, in a sense, freedom. A mini-vacation from my symptoms. I was thinking today that I should really concentrate on my dream recall. Get it back to the way it was when I was younger. I used to remember all of my dreams. The thing is you need to work at it. You need to give it lots of time and effort. Anyway, the point was that if I did concentrate on remembering all my dreams, I can live in that world and not this one. The waking life can be the consciousness I forget about and the dreaming life can be the consciousness we consider our "real lives." The life I look forward to. The life I want. I will be cured of TS. I wish it were that easy. But it is not. I must live inside this cell. My cellmate is a bully named Tourettes. He never gives up. He gets tired and slows down sometimes but he never gives up. He may drive me to kill myself. Sometimes I imagine that TS is a separate entity or even person rather than just part of my brain function. So, all these people living w/ TS have this bully pushing them around inside their heads. And this bully's ultimate goal is to drive these victims to the taking of their own lives. And I bet many do. I always relied on my intense fear of death to keep me away from standing up to that bully once and for all. But I have my moments. It scares me even more than death itself that I may be capable of actually turning that corner on my own fear. It would be so easy and then no more bully. But no more me, either. So, would it be worth it? Probably not. Sometimes it is just so unbearable. Sometimes I wonder if this life would be easier if I came out. I have only told two people that I have TS. Others know, obviously but it has never been vocalized between us. I wonder how many people I am really fooling. I am pretty damn good at hiding it. I am probably better at that than anything else I have ever done or tried to do. But I get caught all the time. Anyway, if I were open about it I wouldn't spend as much time hiding it. At least I think so. I once went to a TSA meeting and that was the only time I have ever been in a room full of open ticcers. I let loose and was ticcing up a storm. But it totally freaked me out. I ran out of there so quickly. Maybe one day... Hell, I am amazed sometimes at who I have become. There is no telling who I will be.