It occurred to me today that most people in this modern world want to live a normal life. They want to have children and money and be successful. I play that game sometimes, too. But, to be honest, most of the time I am just biding my time waiting for it to end. I want this headache to go away. My head, literally hurts form ticcing. The tics have been so aggressive lately that I feel like I am being attacked. It's a war all the time. I never do just let it go. I never just let the tics have their way for even a small amount of time. I am always conscious of it and always on some level fighting them off. Even when I am by myself. I don't even want to see how grotesque I can be. And this fighting is work. A lot of work. I don't even know what it would be like to leave myself in the hands of the tics. But, I am so conscious of them. How can I not be?
I have this terrible memory from when I was a kid. My father was at the dinner table yelling at me. "You don't even know you're doing it!" I know he was frustrated and didn't mean to yell at me. He wasn't blaming me. It was as if he wanted me to admit that I had no control; that I was possessed. He wanted to hear: "Yes, you're right I have no idea I am doing it. I am blissfully sitting here, eating my chicken completely unaware of the show I am performing for all of you." Instead I said nothing. I let him believe what he wanted. The very idea is laughable. I mean, the fact that he thought I was not aware of the grotesque tics that were materializing all over my face is absurd. The worst part about TS is not only are we aware that we are doing these things, we actually make the conscious decision to do them. It's not a nervous spasm. My eyebrows don't shoot up on their own in a result of bad wiring. Some demon in my head tells me I HAVE TO do it and I then do it. If I was unaware I would never go through that process. We could just chalk it up to an uncontrollable physical defect. But no, dad. It is mental. I can "not do it" if I need to. I can literally hold it off until my brain comes close to self destruction. This proves I am in control. Ha. What a laugh. I am in control of nothing. I can hold off, yes. But there comes a point where I have to answer to the demon. And I bow. I kiss its hairy demon feet and I give in to the urge to tic. And the urge is ten times worse. That is my punishment for holding them off. Who did I think I was denying the tics their freedom? I have some nerve. And I will pay. And I do. I do.
So, yeah. Some days I just can't wait for this to be over. Not every day, mind you. But some...
3 comments:
There's no reprieve? There's no rest? No miracle drug that relaxes your mind, your body, or your soul to the point of peace? Is there no rest for the weary?
You are stronger than most. You are braver than most. You challenge me even. And I'm NOT fighting to keep the tics from overtaking my body.
No words of wisdom...just wonder.
Until your next post...
Your brave to put up the continuous onslaught of tourettes. Your strong to, not matter how little, resist the tics.
I know how you feel =]
It's a bad dream you never wake up from, a war you never come back from.
But it wasn't your choice to get tourettes so don't let it ruin your life, your the person in command, don't let it spoil the fun of living =]
Its incrediable how certain memories stay in our heads. My daughters grandmother who doesnt accept her because she has TS should hang out with you dad. It pisses me off and stresses myself and my family out when she is around, all i hear her do is her moan and groan and mumbles under her breath. However, honestly she ( my mother inlaw ) does the same sound that my daughter does ( her Tic) , perhaps she may have it too???????????
You are strong!! Be yourself for you and not somebody else for others. You matter , they dont!
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