Sometimes I feel like a freak.. Right now I am a freak. My girlfriend does not know I have Tourettes. We have a long distance relationship so I can keep it a secret fairly easily. She hears the sounds and sometimes asks me why I make them. I avoid the question (not hard to do on the phone). She has no idea it is Tourettes. She just thinks I am a little strange, in an intriguing way. And that is true. I am. But she has no idea what a freak I truly am or what lies beyond or beneath or wherever. When we are together I can control myself or disguise the symptoms. I am a damn pro at it by now. Seriously, I should be given an award for the struggle I go through just trying to hide the freak in me. It takes so much energy and for what? Just to avoid being viewed as the freak I am? People don't realize what I am going through for their benefit. I am sparing them the sight of this uncomfortable show. And it ain't easy.
"Most people go through life dreading they'll have a traumatic experience. Freaks were born with their trauma. They've already passed their test in life. They're aristocrats." Diane Arbus said that. You hear that? I am a fucking aristocrat. Then why do I live in a shitty little apartment and have a shitty job?
The thing is, she loves me. She really does. And she has no idea how fucked up I really am. I am 30 yrs old and have been living this crazy double life. It's a long time. Part of me wants her to see who I really am. I know she would be ok with it. At least in principle. She is a good person and does love me. But over the long haul it would be too much for her. She can do a lot better than a freak who is terrified of revealing himself to the world. She doesn't need to deal w/ all of my bullshit and baggage. And the other part of me thinks it would be a huge mistake. Once I put it out there, I can never get it back. I would no longer be the man she worships. I would be the freak she loves and eventually falls out of love with. I have only uttered the words: "I have Tourettes Syndrome." to two people in my life. And both of those utterances plague me with regret. Maybe I can take it to my grave. Maybe I should. Maybe I am a coward. And maybe life is easier in hiding...
2 comments:
You're the one who has to look yourself in the mirror. If your idea of sanity and safety is to withhold information from the one person who you claims loves you, then you have to live with that reality. I do think that basing your truth-telling on only two experiences is pretty limited though. You need to have faith in the one person that you believe worships you.
But I have to ask, do you love her? Other than trying to keep her from the perceived pain of knowing you have Tourettes, there is no mention of loving her. If you see any type of future with her, any kind of love, you cannot continue the charade. Well, maybe you can, but at what price?
If you weigh the options and keeping it a secret outweighs telling her...then stand by it. Just know you'll have to stand by the side effects of the decision.
Until your next post...
Honesty is the best key for a relationship, Be honest and let her know. If she really loves you ( and im sure she does ) she will accept you for who you are not matter what.
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