I am about to set out on a drive across the country. I am in Florida right now. I will be visiting a friend in Orlando for a couple of days and then I am headed west. I am moving to California. I am moving in with my girlfriend. Our long distance relationship has evolved. Everything I own is in my car. I will be spending a lot of time by myself for the next few days. And I am totally looking forward to it.
I was thinking about this today. It's the time we spend by ourselves that let's us truly get to know what makes our brains work. And as a touretter, the way my brain works is a tricky subject.
When on my own, I am able to enjoy my TS in a way I usually don't. When I am lost in my own thoughts with no one to bother me I find my tics amusing. Normally the echolalia drives me crazy. But when I step outside myself I can truly enjoy it. I find it interesting to observe myself repeating things and mimicking gestures. It's funny to see which sentences stand out. Why are some more appealing to my tourettes than others? What makes the demon want me to repeat certain things I hear or see or even think? I repeat shit I think to myself. Over and over. Sometimes my thoughts strike me as something I need to repeat. The point is it can be funny enough to make me laugh aloud.
And it can be sad. Sad because I am the only one in on the joke. No one else gets it. No one else knows why am laughing and trying to explain it would be futile. And sad because the joke is not funny at all. The humor I find in it comes from my defenses protecting me from how scary TS really is. But we all need to build up our walls somehow. Otherwise it would get the better of us. And fuck that. No syndrome is going to take me alive.
So, I am looking forward to this long drive by myself. I will be driving and camping all over this USA and hopefully meeting some interesting characters along the way. Or not.
Maybe I'll be the interesting character.
1 comment:
Hey, great post, especially the Tom Petty lyric. :) I could relate to all of it, including the delicious uncertainty of major change. There's nothing like a big move to mark a passage in your life. As for the echolalia, etc., at least you understand what it is ... for many years I had no idea, and so it was hard to buy into the "joke." It may be hard to believe now, but there can come a day when others can be in on the joke, too. In my case, not only do all my TS friends "get it," but so does my non-TS wife, who often hates my tics but almost always gets a good laugh out of my silly songs and other babbling.
I have hope, as more and more TSers come out and it gets (gradually) explained better, that more of the world will learn to laugh with us, not at us. Your blog is a good example of how that can happen in one small corner.
Enjoy your ride. Check in with us and let us know how it goes.
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