12/22/07

It neeeeeds to feeeeeeeeeeel right.

What makes a tic "feel right?" When is it ok to move on? There really are no set of rules on this. Sometimes I will do something over and over until it feels right. But then it felt so right that I have to recreate that perfect tic and so I start the cycle all over again until it "feels right" again.
Yesterday, I found myself saying something I was thinking out loud, repeatedly. I started to analyze the process. It's the way the words feel when they pass through my mouth that needs to be done just right. The way my mouth feels when I say the letter L, for example. The way my tongue feels as it catches the spot where my teeth meet the roof of my mouth. Sometimes I hold that L for a time extended past the appropriate accepted length. No one notices. It's a split second. But I am savoring the feeling of my tongue pushing hard against that tiny space between the back of my front teeth and the roof of my mouth. I press hard.
Sometimes if it didn't feel hard enough I will reach into my mouth and stab the spot with my fingernail to emphasise the feeling that is still lingering in that spot from the recent L that has just been uttered. I also sometimes stick my knuckle, because it is calloused and hard, in my mouth, into that spot for the same reason.
When I hear a breathy sound, like that of an AH or OH exit my mouth, it needs to pass through my mouth hard. I need to feel the sound push through my lungs, throat, mouth and lips. And after I speak these sounds they need to be repeated. They need to be said again with much more care than when they were spoken in mere conversation. Upon repetition there will be careful attention payed to the way they feel as they exit my body and enter the world.
W. This is an interesting sound, too. That fucking W does some funky shit to my lips. They have to be pursed just right when I repeat this sound. The top lip has to be nice and wrinkled up and pushing it self out hard. I have to "feel it." Over and over and over again. And I may be caught making a bonobo-esque face, uttering hard and concentrated W sounds. Then those W sounds evolve into some other throaty sound that is a whole other vocal tic, altogether. And suddenly I am onto a series of vocal tics that had nothing to with said W in the first place. But don't worry, I will get back to the W. Once I am done here, I will return to my prior engagement. No tic will be left behind.
I will get to you all, my dears. I can promise that. There are so many sounds to repeat. Don't even get me started on the S sound. You don't want to hear that one. Not unless you like hearing me whistle in a really high pitch.

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

My son has this tic. Words, certain touches, the way he moves...it all has to be done right. And even when done right, he enjoys it so much, that he starts over for that "feeling" again.

He is now getting to where he repeats entire phrases from movies and shows. Our new dog is named after a phrase he kept repeating. He wanted to name her that, so we did.

Hey email me on myspace..I have a question to ask you, but don't want it on this public site. It is about a new tic my son is doing.

Thanks and keep blogging!

Anonymous said...

Ah, yes. What you're describing is classic OCD, a common (but not always) "fellow traveler" that occurs with TS. Generally, the more pronounced the case of TS, the better the chance of a pronounced case of OCD to go along with it. (Many people see TS and OCD as simply different expressions of the same condition.)

Many times, tics take on a much more OCD "feel" to them than being "ticcy" so much -- i.e., there's a more conscious desire to get the feeling "just right" than the more random "feel" of tics.
Hope this makes sense.

There are meds for OCD, but unfortunately they often don't work much better than meds that are given for TS -- i.e., they'll knock down some of the undesirable behavior, but also make your whole body zonked out in the process (or other weird side effects can happen as well). Definitely see a doc if any of this bothers you enough to want to give meds a try.

Mark said...

This is very well written an as previously mentioned a good example of manifestations of both TS and OCD - separately. TS and OCD are usually so inextricably entwined that trying to treat one and not the other like trying to separate strings without first undoing the knot.

From what you wrote, I'm not sure what you want to do other than express your experiences. Nevertheless, it's gratifying to deal with at least one symptom and see where that leads you. You might at least ask a neurologist to help with the TS or even the OCD and experiment a bit, which is all you can do.

Holler back,

Mark

www.tsblog.org