"I'm so tired of being tired."

It occurred to me today that most people in this modern world want to live a normal life. They want to have children and money and be successful. I play that game sometimes, too. But, to be honest, most of the time I am just biding my time waiting for it to end. I want this headache to go away. My head, literally hurts form ticcing. The tics have been so aggressive lately that I feel like I am being attacked. It's a war all the time. I never do just let it go. I never just let the tics have their way for even a small amount of time. I am always conscious of it and always on some level fighting them off. Even when I am by myself. I don't even want to see how grotesque I can be. And this fighting is work. A lot of work. I don't even know what it would be like to leave myself in the hands of the tics. But, I am so conscious of them. How can I not be?
I have this terrible memory from when I was a kid. My father was at the dinner table yelling at me. "You don't even know you're doing it!" I know he was frustrated and didn't mean to yell at me. He wasn't blaming me. It was as if he wanted me to admit that I had no control; that I was possessed. He wanted to hear: "Yes, you're right I have no idea I am doing it. I am blissfully sitting here, eating my chicken completely unaware of the show I am performing for all of you." Instead I said nothing. I let him believe what he wanted. The very idea is laughable. I mean, the fact that he thought I was not aware of the grotesque tics that were materializing all over my face is absurd. The worst part about TS is not only are we aware that we are doing these things, we actually make the conscious decision to do them. It's not a nervous spasm. My eyebrows don't shoot up on their own in a result of bad wiring. Some demon in my head tells me I HAVE TO do it and I then do it. If I was unaware I would never go through that process. We could just chalk it up to an uncontrollable physical defect. But no, dad. It is mental. I can "not do it" if I need to. I can literally hold it off until my brain comes close to self destruction. This proves I am in control. Ha. What a laugh. I am in control of nothing. I can hold off, yes. But there comes a point where I have to answer to the demon. And I bow. I kiss its hairy demon feet and I give in to the urge to tic. And the urge is ten times worse. That is my punishment for holding them off. Who did I think I was denying the tics their freedom? I have some nerve. And I will pay. And I do. I do.
So, yeah. Some days I just can't wait for this to be over. Not every day, mind you. But some...

"This colorful attraction's got places to go."

Sometimes I feel like a freak.. Right now I am a freak. My girlfriend does not know I have Tourettes. We have a long distance relationship so I can keep it a secret fairly easily. She hears the sounds and sometimes asks me why I make them. I avoid the question (not hard to do on the phone). She has no idea it is Tourettes. She just thinks I am a little strange, in an intriguing way. And that is true. I am. But she has no idea what a freak I truly am or what lies beyond or beneath or wherever. When we are together I can control myself or disguise the symptoms. I am a damn pro at it by now. Seriously, I should be given an award for the struggle I go through just trying to hide the freak in me. It takes so much energy and for what? Just to avoid being viewed as the freak I am? People don't realize what I am going through for their benefit. I am sparing them the sight of this uncomfortable show. And it ain't easy.
"Most people go through life dreading they'll have a traumatic experience. Freaks were born with their trauma. They've already passed their test in life. They're aristocrats." Diane Arbus said that. You hear that? I am a fucking aristocrat. Then why do I live in a shitty little apartment and have a shitty job?
The thing is, she loves me. She really does. And she has no idea how fucked up I really am. I am 30 yrs old and have been living this crazy double life. It's a long time. Part of me wants her to see who I really am. I know she would be ok with it. At least in principle. She is a good person and does love me. But over the long haul it would be too much for her. She can do a lot better than a freak who is terrified of revealing himself to the world. She doesn't need to deal w/ all of my bullshit and baggage. And the other part of me thinks it would be a huge mistake. Once I put it out there, I can never get it back. I would no longer be the man she worships. I would be the freak she loves and eventually falls out of love with. I have only uttered the words: "I have Tourettes Syndrome." to two people in my life. And both of those utterances plague me with regret. Maybe I can take it to my grave. Maybe I should. Maybe I am a coward. And maybe life is easier in hiding...

Eggshell

Man it has been bad lately. And I mean for a while, now. Not just like a few weeks. I hate when it gets like this. These are the worst times. I get so depressed and find myself having to consciously fight it when I am in public. And that makes me so tired. I am going nuts at work. I get a headache from fighting it sometimes. I am just so depressed. All I want is to be normal. And then I can have a normal relationship and a regular job and have kids. But no. I have to lie to everyone because either I am scared of what they would think of the truth or I just don't want to be accepted as the freak they don't know I truly am. If I wasn't so fucking terrified of death or maybe if I believed in god I would have killed myself years ago. I can't take it anymore. I don't know what to do. I will never be normal. Never. Not ever. There is no end to this syndrome except for death. And I am so scared of death. So, therefore I am trapped. And I am so scared of letting everyone see who I really am. I thought I had really combated my fears well over these last few years. But it is all bullshit. I convince myself I am not scared of everything I used to be. The only way I do that is by telling myself: it's not death. That is the only thing to truly be scared of. Yet, it's all a lie. I have been lying to myself. I am terrified of myself. I am so scared of letting the real me come to the surface for all to see. I am fucking nuts! Tourette's has just made me more and more insane. I think I do a hell of a job fighting it but all that energy has been wasted. I am so talented and so smart and all I have to show for it is this inner battle I have been fighting for years that no one really knows about. People always tell me I could do so much if I just gave a shit. They have no idea that the real reason I don't apply my talents to this world is because I am so fucking scared of letting the world see that I am a Tourettic freak. I am so scared of myself. And I am getting sick of myself. I am the only one who ever talks to me about this TS nightmare. And I am so lonely and so scared all the time. And I can't even let the people who love me most in this world get near me because I am so afraid to let them see me as I am when I am alone at night, staring at the ceiling. So, what keeps me going is that I have this incredible amount of strength. Maybe it derives from fear; my fear of death or exposure and that's what keeps me fighting and what has made me so strong. I don't know. But what I do know is that I am strong or at least appear to be. I am so often complimented for my strength and will power. People have no fucking clue where it really comes from and how much pain I go through just to maintain it. I am scared. I am alone. I am truly weak underneath it all.

"And say to those who gawk and stare, I'll see you all in hell"

I see Touretters everywhere. I see them on the subway. I see them on the streets. I see them on buses. I see them in the gym. I see them at work. I see them all over the place. And I recognize that they have TS. But do they recognize me? Are they writing a blog about spotting me right now? How many of us are there out there? Well, that doesn't matter. The point is I see them. And I hate it. All it does is trigger my Tourettes. I have to imitate their tics. And if they see me doing it, they probably think I am making fun of them. I just don't want to see it. It is the worst part of TS. The very people I can relate to, I can't stand to be around. Their TS gets under my skin in a way I cannot put into words. I get angry. I get angry with them. And it's no more their fault than mine for having Tourettes. My neck hurts.

Dreaming free

I don't tic when I sleep. At least, I don't think I do. I can't see why I would. I don't tic in my dreams, either. Well, sometimes I do. If the dream is about tourettes in some way then I will be ticcing up a storm. But for the most part I am tic free when I dream. Maybe that is why I had and have such a fascination with dreaming all my life. Or maybe not. What the hell do I know? All I do know is I love when I recall my dreams and realize they are tic free. There are no compulsions. There are no urges to twitch and even things out. It is, in a sense, freedom. A mini-vacation from my symptoms. I was thinking today that I should really concentrate on my dream recall. Get it back to the way it was when I was younger. I used to remember all of my dreams. The thing is you need to work at it. You need to give it lots of time and effort. Anyway, the point was that if I did concentrate on remembering all my dreams, I can live in that world and not this one. The waking life can be the consciousness I forget about and the dreaming life can be the consciousness we consider our "real lives." The life I look forward to. The life I want. I will be cured of TS. I wish it were that easy. But it is not. I must live inside this cell. My cellmate is a bully named Tourettes. He never gives up. He gets tired and slows down sometimes but he never gives up. He may drive me to kill myself. Sometimes I imagine that TS is a separate entity or even person rather than just part of my brain function. So, all these people living w/ TS have this bully pushing them around inside their heads. And this bully's ultimate goal is to drive these victims to the taking of their own lives. And I bet many do. I always relied on my intense fear of death to keep me away from standing up to that bully once and for all. But I have my moments. It scares me even more than death itself that I may be capable of actually turning that corner on my own fear. It would be so easy and then no more bully. But no more me, either. So, would it be worth it? Probably not. Sometimes it is just so unbearable. Sometimes I wonder if this life would be easier if I came out. I have only told two people that I have TS. Others know, obviously but it has never been vocalized between us. I wonder how many people I am really fooling. I am pretty damn good at hiding it. I am probably better at that than anything else I have ever done or tried to do. But I get caught all the time. Anyway, if I were open about it I wouldn't spend as much time hiding it. At least I think so. I once went to a TSA meeting and that was the only time I have ever been in a room full of open ticcers. I let loose and was ticcing up a storm. But it totally freaked me out. I ran out of there so quickly. Maybe one day... Hell, I am amazed sometimes at who I have become. There is no telling who I will be.