7/19/07
Eggshell
Man it has been bad lately. And I mean for a while, now. Not just like a few weeks. I hate when it gets like this. These are the worst times. I get so depressed and find myself having to consciously fight it when I am in public. And that makes me so tired. I am going nuts at work. I get a headache from fighting it sometimes. I am just so depressed. All I want is to be normal. And then I can have a normal relationship and a regular job and have kids. But no. I have to lie to everyone because either I am scared of what they would think of the truth or I just don't want to be accepted as the freak they don't know I truly am. If I wasn't so fucking terrified of death or maybe if I believed in god I would have killed myself years ago. I can't take it anymore. I don't know what to do. I will never be normal. Never. Not ever. There is no end to this syndrome except for death. And I am so scared of death. So, therefore I am trapped. And I am so scared of letting everyone see who I really am. I thought I had really combated my fears well over these last few years. But it is all bullshit. I convince myself I am not scared of everything I used to be. The only way I do that is by telling myself: it's not death. That is the only thing to truly be scared of. Yet, it's all a lie. I have been lying to myself. I am terrified of myself. I am so scared of letting the real me come to the surface for all to see. I am fucking nuts! Tourette's has just made me more and more insane. I think I do a hell of a job fighting it but all that energy has been wasted. I am so talented and so smart and all I have to show for it is this inner battle I have been fighting for years that no one really knows about. People always tell me I could do so much if I just gave a shit. They have no idea that the real reason I don't apply my talents to this world is because I am so fucking scared of letting the world see that I am a Tourettic freak. I am so scared of myself. And I am getting sick of myself. I am the only one who ever talks to me about this TS nightmare. And I am so lonely and so scared all the time. And I can't even let the people who love me most in this world get near me because I am so afraid to let them see me as I am when I am alone at night, staring at the ceiling. So, what keeps me going is that I have this incredible amount of strength. Maybe it derives from fear; my fear of death or exposure and that's what keeps me fighting and what has made me so strong. I don't know. But what I do know is that I am strong or at least appear to be. I am so often complimented for my strength and will power. People have no fucking clue where it really comes from and how much pain I go through just to maintain it. I am scared. I am alone. I am truly weak underneath it all.
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3 comments:
Wow. You should write. I mean, write professionally. Your truth is a dose of what this world needs.
You may not believe in God, but I do. I'll send a prayer your way. You are NOT alone.
Take care.
Your not alone, your n ot the only one with this terrible disease, even though it might seem like it. However, you should write professionally, your really good at it.
What we really need to do is, make TS known, like autism and such. This is my goal. Maybe you should join me.
Stop calling yourself a "freak". You absolutely are not a freak. Your first step in winning your battle is to look at yourself differently.
"YOU ARE NOT A FREAK! YOU ARE NOT A FREAK, YOU ARE NOT A FREAK!" There, obsess over that sentence for a few days. Once you get past that, then you need to work on step 2. Step 2 is accepting who you are. Don't you see, you are making your battle worse for yourself. I know how tired you are...tired mentally and physically! So stop hiding!!! All this hiding who you are has you so tensed up that you should be ticcing up a storm. Let it out!!! Once it is out, you will relax. Who gives a crap that you tic. If your work environment changes, then sue their butts and then you will be a rich touretter!!
There's a purpose for you! I feel there is a reason you are here and a reason you have TS. You are smart! Heck, you don't ever know, you may be the one that figures out some sort of cure!
Killing yourself isn't the answer either. I'm sorry you don't believe in God, but don't go ending your life. The Bible says ending your own life ends you up in a lake of fire. I know you don't believe, but what if there really is a God and the Bible is right?
It can't hurt you to believe and there not really be a God, but what if you don't believe and there really is a God?
I won't go religious on you as I know your life is rough and you question why God would make you this way. But, there is something there and you will know when the timing is right. I know life is rough, but I have to say, that believing in God has given me a sort of peace that I can not find anywhere else. What do you have to lose? You've tried everything else right?
I say, let it out. Who CARES!!! We are in the 2000's now and more people are knowing about TS. You care more about your appearance than the people you think are gonna call you a freak!
You said your problem is that you "don't give a shit". Okay, well if you don't give a shit, then why are you hiding? Let it go, you will feel better. I'm not saying run right out and tell the workplace and the world, but if you are seen, then explain why you are doing those things. Go to the bathroom mid-day and tic away in your own privacy. I was unaware you could hold them back. My son can not yet do that..maybe he is too young. Or maybe he does it at school and that is why he is bad when he gets home. But rather than being REACTIVE to it, be PROACTIVE.
The less stressed and less worried you are about it, the less you will tic, am I right? I observe this in my own child. And he really does freaky stuff...like sniffing feet and stuff.
You are not a freak! And I too will say a prayer for you. You have helped my family in so many ways, just by this blog. Don't you understand? All of you Touretter's are tired of having it and I understand that, but it is going to be one of you Touretter's that finds the cure!!! I just know it. And it is going to take ALL of YOU to raise awareness to people. The more people that know, the less of a big deal they will make about people with TS. Don't you want to be a part of that?
C'mon, recite with me. "I am not a freak, I am not a freak". I don't ever want to read you calling yourself that again!
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