I just got back from a week long vacation with my girlfriend, who still does not know I have Tourettes. I realized something this past week. What I am doing with her is the same thing I always do with relationships. I am so scared to let people see what I really am. I let women fall in love with me. It is so important to me that they be in love with me before I will ever admit that I love them. I do this because it is my safety net. I need to know that if they figure it out or I tell them I have TS, it won't matter. I will already have them under my spell. Maybe I feel like there is less of a chance that they will run away.
So, this week was really good. From a TS perspective, anyway. My tics were relatively calm. That's good because before I left they were at their worst. This was obviously a result of stressing out about the upcoming visit. I was totally freaking out. I thought it was gonna be a ticathon hosted by Ticcy McTicenstien. But I became relaxed when I was around my girlfriend.
Ya know what it is? It's not so much that I am scared she will run. I am just comfortable right now being this guy she knows me as. I see no need to alter that right now. Why do I need to become the guy she knows but with a neurological disorder? Why can't I just be the guy I am right now? Maybe one day I will be the TS guy in her eyes but I figure I would rather hold off on that as long as I can.
I remember when I was a kid. I was on my way home from my 8th grade graduation. I was looking out the car window and saw this grown man, probably in his 40's, ticcing up a storm. It was clear he was with his family. And I mean the sight just took me by surprise. I guess I never thought that TS people could be adults with families. I mean here was an adult with TS. Hell, I am not sure at that age I ever thought about the possibility of being an adult, let alone one with TS. And this fat, ticcing adult was standing on the street with his capped and gowned daughter in tow. Who the fuck does this guy think he is? He has a family? A wife? How did this happen? So, I felt good about myself for a minute or two. Wow, we can have wives, too. That's amazing. I think back then I always assumed I would be married and have kids and a house when I was a grown up. But I never factored the ticcing into that assumption. I think that was the moment I realized I would be an adult with TS. At least that's how I remember it, now. It's the file I categorized this memory under in my vault of fleeting occurrences deep, deep in the dungeon of my dome. He couldn't have been the first adult I ever noticed twitching. But the memory stood and stands out.
Do I see myself having kids? Never! I stand by that. I just cannot do it knowing that I may pass TS on to a person I will undoubtedly love more than any other human being. It would destroy me. I think it is irresponsible. I won't do it. And this is a major issue in my relationship with my aforementioned girlfriend. She very much wants children. And she knows I do not. Although she does not know why. I always tell her that one day I will tell her why. It is unfair to do that to her but I never meant for it to be a secret. I just revealed too much too early. So, I guess I do intend to tell her about TS one day. One day. We'll see...
3 comments:
With regards to kids -- why not? I mean, there's a chance your child will have Tourette's Syndrome... but so what?
Everyone faces challenges, and TS is a pain. But is life with TS not worth living? Would you rather simply not exist?
Since you have TS, you'd be good at preparing your kid for that kind of life. And since awareness of TS - and the support available - have grown quite a bit in the past ten years, even, you can imagine that schools, and others, will be even better equipped for it when that time comes around.
Of course, those are questions you have to ask yourself. Your own philosophical decision is yours to make. But if you can prepare yourself for raising a child with possible TS, you might find that it's still worth it.
I'm damn glad I was born, tics and all. And I won't let that stop me and my wife, if we do decide to have kids one day.
You probably don't have to tell your girlfriend. She probably already knows. Women pick up on tics more than men...even women who aren't familiar with it. She has observed and she has "googled" your condition and read all about it by now. She is just waiting for you...for you to admit it and tell her when you are ready. Trust me, she already knows something...and she loves you for it. She love you...that means all of you..TS included.
And kids, my son is like you, not just one tic...many, many tics at the same time..so many, most people think he is having seizures because his whole body is jerking. But you know what, I am so glad he is here. He has taught me so much in his short 7 years. His brillance amazes me along with most other people. His ability to transcribe a movie after one viewing is amazing. I have trouble hearing and I am glad that he can repeat the lines to me, perfectly the way they were said by the actors.
Now days, the world isn't as mean. I protect his environment to some degree and keep him in a private school that has 4 other TS kids. Until high school, I feel this is where he needs to be. He is going through each grade with the same kids...the same kids that his vocal tics "rocked" to sleep each day at naptime. When he would be out for a day in K-4, the teacher said none of the kids would sleep. They didn't have that "noise" he makes to lull them to sleep. The kids didn't know where it came from, but they missed it. Now, of course they know, but they simply don't care.
You should re-think having kids. People with TS have higher IQ levels and are smarter..it is a proven FACT. It is going to take someone with TS to find a cure, fix this country, and cure the world's deficit (Touretter's are so good with numbers)!
Keep on keeping on..I love your blog and I am so happy you have decided to share it. You are explaining things to me that my 7 year old doesn't yet know how to explain.
Thank you for that!
Wow dude. Totally hear ya on the "girls who are dying to have children" thing. No dispespect to your girlfriend, but I will not date any woman who doesn't understand where I'm coming from on that issue. But I totally hear ya about you feeling "irresponsible" about passing TS onto your "would-be" children. Ditto, ditto, ditto, man. And ya wanna know another thing?? I truly feel that my TS has caused me to look at the "big picture" of the real issue of bringing children into this world. Maybe not as much in a rural area, but in any big city, such as NYC, or even Nashville (where I live now). One word man ... "overpopulation". Google that sometime. You will find those for it, and against it. But I personally can't find anything to solidly deny it!! I believe every damn major issue in this world, be it global warming, gridlock, war, foods shortages, can be traced to what I affectionately call "O/P". So yea I hear ya. After WW3 (dare I bring that up, but I just did), O/P will have been eradicated, and the few remaining survivors (a large percentage of which I believe will be Touretters, being in my mind "True Survivalists"), will be able to have children into a world where they will be truly welcome once again. Rock on!! L8TR. ;~}
~Kenny H~
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