The worst is getting caught. My boss caught me at work the other day. I was on my break. I knew he was a few feet away but I didn't think he was looking at me. Or maybe I just hoped he wasn't. Sometimes I can get tired of constantly looking around before I tic to see if anyone is watching. And besides I was reading text messages on my phone so any grimaces I made could have been played off as a reaction to a message I was reading. Ha. I am an idiot. So, he said: "You're weird." Just like that. Then he preceded to imitate the performance I had just given him. He was way off, though. He just raised his eyebrows. Little did he know there was so much more to it than that. Didn't he realize I am only raising one eyebrow while squinting the other eye? Ha. Amateur. I just shrugged and looked away. An easy enough way to change the subject. And I think it let him know that maybe this is not a subject I want to discuss. I mean he was just innocently observing. In all honesty he didn't mean to sound so mean when he called me weird. English is not his first language and he probably didn't realize how that sounded to me. Look at me. Now I am feeling bad for him. I feel bad that I put him in such an awkward position. I feel like I should write him a formal apology, or something. Jeez. I am losing it.
When I wash the dishes in my apartment, I display a whole series of tics. And it is right in front of a window. I have never noticed any but there must be neighbors able to see me through their windows. There is a window only a few feet across from mine. It's tight quarters here in NY. I am ticcing and appearing to talk to myself (Echolalia forcing me to repeat phrases over and over out loud). People must think I am crazy. "Who is that nut living in that apartment?" Maybe they're right. Maybe I am nuts.
3 comments:
You're not nuts. Well, okay. I don't know you that well. You might be certifiably insane. But that has nothing to do with your Tourette's. ;)
I always find that awkward too. I recently started a new job. While I usually do disclose that I have TS -- it's just easier than trying to hide it -- I didn't want to say it from day one. A few times one guy was walking near my work area asking people "what the hell is that noise?"
But eventually I just tell them. I find that most people don't care, and some will ask a few questions out of curiosity. I'm fortunate not to have run into anyone in adult life who wasn't understanding of it.
AH! I get it. You want to be seen, and loved, for who you are, not by the tics. That's why you won't reveal it to your girlfriend. It makes sense. Perfect sense. It's crazy I'm siding with you. With the dishonesty, or the witholding of truth. But you've done it. You've convinced me. For now.
As for getting caught...isn't there some twisted side of you, some tired side of you that just WISHES you'd get caught. I mean, caught for real. Caught and questioned, so you can come clean? Then you're forced to reveal it all. You might feel "outted" but also less tired. No more hiding. Imagine THAT world for a minute.
Until your next post...
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