8/19/10

"Onward and upward."

I made a decision. I am going to tell my fiancee all about my TS. I actually made this decision quite a while ago. The opportune time has just not presented itself. She works days and I work nights. When we see each other one of us is usually too tired for that sort of a conversation. We haven't shared a day off together in a while. She is out of town and has been for almost three weeks. She will return on Sunday. And then we have a house guest coming into town for a few weeks on Monday night. I am not sure if it is a good idea to tell here before he gets here. Maybe it is too much to throw on her and then not have time to discuss it further considering we will be entertaining.
I figure I will tell her I have TS, explain what that really means and then let her read my blog. Honestly, I probably convey my struggle better in this blog than I could in a conversation.
I have reservations about telling her but then I realize it is silly to keep hiding it. We are getting married in a year. We bought a house together. We plan on spending the rest of this life with one another. I might as well let her in.
So, that's it. I have resigned myself to this decision. In a few days our relationship will be different. She will know more about me and I will change the way I act around her. She will be watching me with a different set of eyes. Everything will be different. Every time I make a noise she will wonder if that is the TS or not. Every time I tic I will wonder if she caught it. I can finally explain to her why I repeat the shit I hear on the radio or t.v.
What scares me is I am not sure how comfortable I can be around her with my TS. I know I will still hide it. It is not about her not knowing about it anymore. It is about me not wanting her to see my disease. I don't want to see it. I can't imagine she would want to see it, either.
Oh, well. Let's see how this goes...

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

Hi! Here we go...back to the black background blog! Everytime I read your blog, my eyes get all jacked up for awhile from the background color; therefore, I can not be responsible for any typos!

Firstly, Tic - I've missed you! I've not had the chance to go back and read, but by this post, I'm so happy to read that you've purchased a home and decided to tell your girlfriend about the TS. I've been telling you for 2 years that she already knows! She's a woman, how can she not. You may try to hide it, but now that I've been around it for 7 years, its easy to see when someone has it AND tries to hide it! She may not know what it is called (but I bet she does from researching it in private), but she definitely knows you are different.

Don't be so quick to judge that she'll be seeing you with different goggles on! Her view of it may not be your view. You hate your TS, she loves it...because she loves You and it is a part of you.

I decided a couple years ago that I needed to view Jaylens Tourette as a blessing rather than a curse or disease. I realized that at his young age (now 9), that however I see it will reflect how he sees himself. I want him to know that despite his TS & Asperger's (yes we found out last year he has that too), that he is a wonderful, beautiful, soul that God created with Purpose. His little genius mind is so inspiring and intelligent. He wouldn't be who he is without the TS. He'd just be ordinary rather than the extra-ordinary person he's become in spite of the tics.

You are the same way! If I can accomplish all that I have with Jaylen as a single mother in front of the world, you can at least come out of the dark!

So glad to hear from you...your blogs helped me tremendously early on and I'm sure will continue to do so :)

xoxo
R-

Anonymous said...

I went to the dentist a few weeks ago to have my braces on. I' m still having difficulty in eating because of the wires. I also observed that I' m having a lot of cuts inside my mouth because of the wires and I consider it very undesirable.

Anonymous said...

why not...