So, its been four and a half hours since I heard the news. Since then, I've read all the blog posts and had a bit of an emotional break down because I tried to write a response comment to all of what I read. As soon as I hit the button to publish, all was lost due to an error. So, I will make an attempt to recapture all of what I had written there.
As I was listening to this confession (about 4 and 1/2 years overdue), I felt myself sinking into myself, looking out two little windows at him... a little dizzy... "Am I really sitting here on this couch?"
What does this mean? What is this alternate identity I was unaware of? I said: "Are you sure you have it?" "Who told you that?" In a response to some of the comment posts: Either he is really THAT good at hiding it, or I am a total moron. But who really does look at the one they love and think "Why does he do that?... Maybe I should google it." Later I asked him if he googles any of the things that I do.
I know that he makes noises- Everyone does some little thing that comforts them....
I know that he smells books- I really think it's adorable. Hell, I've even done it cause he makes it look so enjoyable. I think I kind of like the smell of books, too. I think its cute; the way he thinks I'm cute when I lick jars, spoons, lids and any other surface with food dripping down it (why waste a perfectly good paper towel?). I know that he clicks the mouse incessantly sometimes- I just honestly thought he was entertaining himself, the way he does when he repeats things he hears on the radio and tv.
I honestly don't mind any of it. Nor did I think it any more strange than some of the things other people do.
In conversation with a friend during my recent trip out of town, I was asked if I felt there was anything missing from my life. I realized, as I said it out-loud, that I DO have everything I need. That is because of the man I love. He works very hard to pay the bills (when I can't), he does the dishes every night (when I make a mess in the kitchen), he makes breakfast for me most mornings (when I am too lazy to get up earlier), and he pretty much sees to it that my life is easy. Who could ask for more? Hopefully, that it is not because of his tics that he feels he has to do these things.
No one ever wants to find out that the person they love is tormented daily by something that they cannot control. The biggest problem I have with his TS is that I cannot carry any part of this burden that he bears... that I can't really do anything to stop it.
He apologized after telling me. I am the one who is sorry. Sorry for not being aware. Sorry that I thought nothing of it when he told me something "bothered" him. It is much easier to break my stupid little habits than for him to fight these overbearing urges. This is a new step into our life together.
I really am in shock a little...
There really is so much I don't know.
I blame it on the "love goggles" I've been wearing ever since the first weekend I spent with him. They have never come off since, and something like this has no chance of changing that. I have a wonderful man, who makes me happy. I only wish that someday I can make his life a little easier.
I really don't know if I believe it still. Guess I need time to process.
Thanks to everyone for all the support and kind words over the years. I wish I could have helped him too.
I love you, Tic.
Soon to be, Mrs. Tic
8 comments:
I love it!
Dear Soon to be Mrs. Tic:
Very nice to finally meet you! I'm Robin, mother to fellow child Touretter and advocate, Jaylen Arnold.
I want you to know that I LOVE TIC! I found him shortly after my son was diagnosed a very long time ago (even before he met you) and he helped me so much when I was shocked by it all! I am so thrilled he told you. I've been urging him to do so all the while!
Maybe he is really that good at hiding it. I just can not imagine because I have a child and when they are children, the disorder is so much worse. The smelling of books and mouse clicking are more of OCD's in my opinion and that may be why you didn't pick up on it. The actual tics, he could have been holding back while in your presence. Either way, don't beat yourself up over it.
I'm also so very happy that you've had your Love Goggles on! It's just what he needed and continues to need. That is how we should look at others...through loving eyes!
You say you wish you could do more for him to help his condition. We all feel that way. There's nothing I woudn't do to take this from my baby boy. However, it WILL help him and his Tourette's tremendously now that you do know. He no longer has to STRESS over hiding it from you. The stress makes this condition horrible. For Tic to know that you know, accept and love him with the TS is helping him.
He is so loving and willing to make your life easier because of the Tourette's. He wouldn't be who he is if it weren't for the tics. He doesn't do the chores, etc.. out of feeling like he has to, but people with TS are often very bright and much more in tune with the needs and BURDENS of others. They will try to carry your burdens for you. They also love very deeply!
You can meet my son at www.JaylensChallenge.Org or google Jaylen Arnold
Tic: I am SO proud of you! You are amazing and now your journey with your lady will be so much less stressful for you! I love you friend.
(and thanks for the white background...black did look more sleek, but my eyes love you for the change) :)
Hey: If she wants to see what childhood was like for you, Jaylen did a documentary for Discovery Health channel called "Tourette's Uncovered". It is premiering soon on September 13th at 9pm on Discovery Health.
Thanks for the comment. I would love to see the documentary.
I had a little bit of an emotional breakdown this morning. There is a little pain in my heart for Tic's suffering. I may cry over it once and a while because it hurts to think about the man I love being tortured.
Still, I look at him with new perspective. I begin to think it's kinda cool to find out something new about someone you've been with for 4 and 1/2 years. It makes him seem stronger. It makes him a vastly better man for going out of his way to please me. For this, I feel so much more loved.
I really still can't believe it. All these little tics don't seem like much to me, and I really wonder what he is holding back. I hope that someday he can feel comfortable enough that it isn't a battle for him to be around me, and hiding.
It is a motivation, this knowledge, to better myself, that I may not set off a ticcing spree.
I'm sure I will have much more to say as I continue to process and understand this.
My mind runs a little with suggestions, questions, and possible ideas. I think about self-hypnosis, even if it is a way for him to regress back to a time when he did not suffer so. Could it be a momentary escape? like dreaming?
-Soon to be, Mrs. Tic
Mrs. Tic,
Firstly, let me say that I'm here if you ever need to talk. Tic knows all my methods of contact.
Secondly, I'm responding from my phone, so I can not be responsible for typos! Ha!
I do not think hypnosis will work. The disorder is a nuerological misfire in the deep basal ganglia, therefore will not stop the ticcing (however, may be good for the OCD's). Tic can probably explain more in that area.
If all these tics do not bother you, then no need to fret over anything. The BEST cure for him is acceptance. If he knows he's truly accepted, he will not have to hide much or be totured...because the tic monster doesn't roar its ugly head so much when the person is relaxed.
Its ok to cry too! My baby doesn't know it, but I cry all the time for him when he's in pain and as him mother, there is nothing I can do but hold him. Sometimes though, LOVE is enough!
Hope you all enjoy the documentary (Mrs. Tic, you will learn so much about this extra-ordinary disorder).
Have a great Labor Day! :)
R-
xoxo
Thanks. I meant as temporary relief, with hypnosis.... not as a cure. Could it possibly be a way to relax the mind and/or body (if only for that moment), or a way to regress thoughts back to a memory of a childhood without these burdens?
Mrs. Tic
Oh good point! After all, they rarely tic when sleeping. Let me know how that goes if you decide to try it, you've struck my curiosity.
R-
xo
Thanks Bruce. I am doing just fine. I still love him... maybe a little more than before. It makes ME a better person to try not to set him off or irritate him.
-Soon Mrs. Tic
I'm glad to hear things are going so well for you two. As the father of a son with TS I found this blog a while back and really enjoyed the insights he provides to his mind. I hope he continues to blog more often, even if it is just to tell us how happy he is with his new wife!
Hi Tic! How are things going? I tried to reach out to you via FB but didn't hear back. Email me! JCF@JaylensChallenge.Org. Miss you.
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