Wink, wink

Sometimes I convince myself I don't have TS. It doesn't define me. Most people don't even know I have it. I am defined by my sense of humor, intelligence, interests, job, background, etc... Yeah, when I am writing this blog I am always talking about TS. But most of the time it is not in my thoughts. So, I forget about it sometimes. And I live life. Ya know, like a normal person. And I place such little importance on it that I almost forget I have it. Those moments are nice. I find my symptoms get worse when I think about them. It's when I feel sorry for myself that I have Tourettes. When I feel good about life it doesn't matter. Who cares? There is way more to life than the absurd facial gestures I am making at any given time.
Ha, that reminds me of this time I went to a party with a college friend I hadn't seen in a while. My tics were especially bad at the time. I wasn't going to go because of them but went anyway. It was one of those decisions I made to spite my Tourettes. My TS doesn't control me. Ha. Yeah right. Sure it doesn't. So, after the party on the subway ride home my friend said "You make these 'facial gestures' you're not aware of." I can't remember the exact phrase I used to change the subject but I am sure it came out of the mental Rolodex I keep for just that occasion. Facial gestures. Ha! It makes them almost seem elegant or something. I can remember the pause before he uttered those two words, too. I could almost see the process his brain was going through, trying to find the least harmful words. And the words he found were great. Brilliant. Goddamn comical, they were.
But that was an example of someone trying to be helpful. He was being a friend. He didn't want to push me out the doors and leave me to fend for myself on the L train's notoriously dangerous subway platform in East New York. No, he wanted to help. But I did not let him in. I was the weak one. He was the strong one, willing to attack the subject. I am the coward who runs from any discussion of my TS.
I have read of people handing out cards that say they have TS, like a deaf person selling lolly- pops. Fuck that. I am not handicapped. Why is it my job to make everyone around me feel more comfortable? Let them stare. And when I catch them staring I shoot them a look of death. And they look way. I can be insane for all they know. They don't want to provoke any trouble. I always feel bad afterward. I don't wanna be mean. They weren't throwing rocks at me; they were just curious. I don't mean to be an asshole to people for just looking at me but sometimes I just want to be left alone.
But this is my life. I have Tourette's Syndrome. I don't get to be left alone. I don't get the luxury of everyone minding their own business. People will always stare. And there is nothing I can do about that. I can hand out cards until my wrist hurts. I will always be the one they're looking at. I am ok with it. This is the life I fell into. I can't trade it in like a used car. I am "that guy."
Sometimes I even enjoy catching people looking. It makes me smile or even laugh. The best is when I catch a kid staring and when we make eye contact and I smile. And the brave ones smile back. They realize I am harmless and I can't control it. Meanwhile their mom is reading her paper, oblivious to the whole exchange. But this kid and I are both in on the same joke. These kids seem to get it. If mom had seen it she wouldn't know how to react. She would have looked away or pulled her child closer. But not kids. They're innocent. They're just along for the ride, soaking it all in. This kid observed me doing something he knows I didn't want anyone to see and he caught me. Good on ya, kid. It will be our little secret....